even when your back faces the wall, you dont want to put down your gun to save your own life. because you dont know how to. because you dont know that when you decided to build walls around yourself, it was not just to block people from coming in but also blocking yourself from coming out.
you thought moving away would heal you but it was a repeat of the same vicious cycle in a different place. you thought it was something out of your control, and it was, you just didnt know it was inside you.
when you realised it was though, you are already bleeding and everyone has left you behind. and thats because of you. because you block people away.
now, you are in a dark tunnel. cold, shivering. alone, crying. but maybe dark is better, dark doesnt judge you. dark stays around and gives you the space — and if it provides you the tiniest bit of comfort, thats fine. its better than nothing at all.
i guess you'll have to figure out whether there will be a sunshine at the end of the tunnel, or a dead end.
for now, though, just keep walking.