12/29/16

i wrote a letter to myself on my 20th birthday.

happy birthday. wow 20 years have passed so quickly like a blink of an eye. who thought everything would turn out to be like this? i dont know what the future holds, but for today, happy birthday. 

you have gone through a lot. i am proud of you. i thought i have given you enough love but i guess i was wrong. i am your biggest enemy, and your biggest hater. i have been giving you more scars than bandages, and i am sorry for that. 

i guess the reason why i keep saying i love you is because i thought saying the words would make it more real, somehow tangible, somehow visible, and believable. because i desperately want to believe i love you. 

but saying it and actually doing it are two different things, and i am sorry for feeding you lies.

i have been telling you you are not worthy of love, because you are way too broken. these days, i realised i was wrong. i mean, who knows whether you deserve love or not — i should not be the one who decides. try to accept people's helping hands, try to share your burden. sometimes its good to just let it all out; sometimes you have to learn to share not only your happiness but also sadness. 

i want to lie to you and say you did well, you are strong, you are okay. but i cant. its been hard these days isnt it? im sorry for the sleepless nights, for the thumping heart, for the redened cheeks, for the blurry eyes. i want you to be happy, but we cant always get what we want, right?

im sorry for making you feel like its not okay to say you are broken, sad, stressed, and tired. i am sorry to have imposed society expectations upon you. i am sorry for making you feel like its wrong to not be okay. i am sorry for expecting you to endure everything alone, to keep pushing you beyond your limit. its been hard, isnt it?

i hope you will have a great year. mentally and physically healthier. a much better person, a person who knows how to prioritise things. stop being selfish, stop putting your ego first. if you keep doing that; you might really end up underserving of love. i want you to get better. i want you to be happy. 

i know its hard to suffer it twice. but get a hold of yourself. seek help. stop feeling embarassed about your mental state. stop hating yourself, give love back to yourself. you were happy, you were full of love. you can go back to the old you if you try hard enough. 

people come and go, they simply dont stay. doesnt mean you cant trust anybody though. at least for now, they are beside you. cherish them. appreciate them. stop taking them for granted; just because they are here now, does not mean they will be here tomorrow. you have to know that you are blessed. 

happy birthday. i sincerely wish you the happiest birthday. we often take the word happy for granted; but the feeling is definitely not for everyone to have. i learned that the hard way. 

happy birthday. be a better person. not just for other people but also for yoursef. treat yourself better, you deserve it. 

happy birthday. 
happy, happy birthday. 

ps. wrote it on my bday. i just didnt feel like posting it.