these past weeks have been rough. i keep letting myself go downhill, and i am afraid i will go back to how i used to be. which is ridiculous considering i have ran 3000 miles away to get better. but i guess the idea of running away is a joke in the first place, because i didn't fix what needed to be fixed, i just left it broken.

i locked myself away last week from everyone. from the people who care about me, and until now i'm not exactly sure why. but i suppose thats what i do best: i push people away. i am a broken vase, a sinking boat. what i mean is: let me piece together the glasses, let me repair my leaks. what i mean is: they deserve better. they deserve someone who won't be too busy saving herself. 

what i mean is: i have never been decent for anyone, i am too complex for anyone to figure out. what i mean is: i keep telling people that i come second. what i mean is: i succeeded. i'm always a second choice. always. 

its not like they are wrong anyway. i was the one who made myself a second choice for everyone, because i put myself behind a wall nobody can break through. but these days it gets really tiring. i want someone to lean on, someone who gets it. but at the same time i know i don't deserve anyone; i  will end up being the one who receives. giving someone else a piece of affection when i can't even properly love myself is somewhat impossible; they deserve better. they do.

so cheers to the lonely hearts,
you need you the most

"thats the problem with putting others first; you've taught them that you come second"