Childhood Stories

i listened to my childhood stories tonight, i heard i was a hyper little kid; running here and there, showing off my few strands of hair that was apparently unusual for a 3 years old girl. my mind wandered off.... thinking where did it go wrong?

somewhere along my journey, something went wrong.

a lot of things have happened between now and then; but i am not sure when did i get so off track? maybe when the phase of teenage rebellion happened. or maybe when i realised for the first time that no matter how much i wanted to be 'free', i couldn't. without me realising it, bad things naturally happened between us, making me feel insecure, uncomfortable, and small. i was confused between myself and who i was supposed to be. i was confused between desires and obligations, needs and wants. i started building up thick walls and keeping a safe distance between us, because it was too hard to feel secured.

i wanted to be saved... but i didn't know how to ask for help. i wanted to be understood, but i didn't know what was exactly wrong. i wanted to be heard, but i couldn't cry in front of anyone except myself.

things change and so do people; but i am grateful that memories can remain. times like these when they feel like being nostalgic about how i used to be, at least those memories can bring laughter to them. 

the way i grew up while being away from the people that i love and the way i needed to grow up to be someone i was expected to be might have taken a big role.

i am naturally a private person; i mostly keep things to myself. all those burdens i had to lift by myself since i was little — they ended up taking away my innocence and happiness slowly without me realising it. i kept them all by myself thinking i could handle it, foolishly believed that it was okay to carry it alone. at the end of the day, they only kept piling up and i ended up giving up.

between my innocence and my point of giving up, i have changed. i left the shell that was the old me and became a new person. changing is a part of growing up, i know, but for me it was more like growing up to adjust with things. when other people were on the cliche journey of finding themselves, i was struggling on how to fit in to a box that has always been too small for me. for my ego, and for my feelings.

nobody really knows how hard it had been for me, because i have never really told anybody. because i'm simply not the type to leave trails here and there and at the same time it was also because i feel like it was an obligation for me to fulfil people's expectation, that i had no right to feel like i was burdened. 

for the first time in a long time, i wish to turn back the time. i want to fix what i have damaged, i want to erase all the scars i had given away.

i am trying to fix things, but its not easy. i am stuck with my current self, the shell i can find comfort within; the half introvert and half extrovert person that i am. because i have been that person for quite a long time, and i am adjusted to it. its someone i am familiar with, someone i can understand. but i want to be the person i used to be too. this is me, and that was me. it doesn't mean one of them are fake, it's just that i changed. and a combination of both would be lovely.

i have missed all the warmth of love i could have gotten, i kind of miss being embraced with smiles and laughter. next time, maybe, next time.