November 21st

i believe all girls have been here. those shitty feelings that attack you days before having a waterfall in your stomach every time you get up from your seat — a nightmare of your white skinny jeans. 

today feels terrible. horrible. today spun around those words, i feel like an old washed blue jeans by the end of the day. 

every thing went wrong. everything felt wrong. it was like wearing another people's glasses, it just didn't fit in. 

i spent my afternoon stressing over the traffic, just because i wanted to get to the cinema on time to watch a movie i had been waiting for. i watched it by myself because all my plans were ruined; someone left, someone canceled, the rest were just busy. 

i bought a ticket for one person, in the middle of two different groups who had booked beforehand. it felt lonely, not in a bad way though. but my mood was already not good, that i kept getting angry at nothing. 

i was angry, at no one, at nothing.

nowhere to go, nowhere to sulk into, nowhere to seek for safety. this was partly hormonal, though. nothing big really happened. 

the reason why i write this as Two, is because its a part of my knotted string. and nope, before you think i will write an essay about how pre menstrual syndrom feels like, and how capable it is to bring your interest in everything into zero degree — guys, i am more sane than that. i am sane enough. 

this was what came into my mind when i was roaming around the mall while waiting for the movie; its been awhile since i enjoy solitude. 

i used to love it, i used to make a room for it in my packed daily life. i used to want it, and enjoy every moment of it. i used to cerish it. 

i guess i got caught up in life.
i got caught up in the idea of society and noise; that i felt like i have to live with them twenty four hours. 

i should have spared some time for myself; free from pretending to be happy, sad, sick or even interested. free from the obligation to make people content, satisfied and responsive. free from talking, free from caring, even. like what Derek Walcott have said: give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who have loved you. 

i guess i will give myself a love, a present, a reward, to remind myself that i am strong enough to get back to this point. to have strived forward when it was hard even to stay still. 

hi me, shopping tomorrow? :)