i don't.... really like competition. i thought i was afraid of losing out. being the second one. basically afraid of not being at the top any longer.

there is something about being at the top, i don't know whether its greediness or pride, that make your whole body tightens as you are aware that someday that title could be easily taken away from you — and you will be left with nothing, no pride and no title, and afraid of being looked over; being seen as not good enough. 

now that i think about it, im not afraid of losing out. of going downwards on the rankings. i am afraid of feeling like i am not good enough; because no matter how hard i try to burn that little piece of insecurity inside me, its still strongly resist to vanish. i am afraid of getting disappointed at myself, and i am afraid of saying hello to the old me again. 

you see, all those dark past are traumatizing me — it even holds the luxury of making me doubting myself. because who knows what the future holds, right? those nightmares could come again to me when i wake up in the morning. 

nobody really knows, until tomorrow becomes present.