eighteen and a day

gosh, here is for the first day after turning eighteen. 

i am freaking eighteen. 

wait, let me absorb this. 

i loved birthdays, i kind of still do. but its different now, i guess. because it used to be all fun and games, seeing the digit added up, getting more free than yesterday, new things, new possibilities. feeling fresher than ever — ready to conquer the world; those kind of feelings. 

but now, now everytime someone asks me how old i am, i still took a few seconds to make myself believe the truth: i am eighteen. eighteen and a day. eighteen and a day. eighteen and one thousand more responsibilities. eighteen and shouldnt act like a teen anymore. 

last year when it was seventeenth, i was excited. excited suited it best more than happy, but there were still bubbles and balloons everywhere. with the thrill of having a legal ID and a spot on the choosing day of the president. 

now that all the excitement is gone, i feel like i am not that suitable for this age. i am one immature young woman, with a naive heart and a selfish attitude. the thoughts come rushing to me in a speed of light; that time when everything needs to be figured out is coming near. and it feels like my throat is almost being choked: i am almost suffocating. three years from now i am going to be twenty one. twenty freaking one. and its still a blur, everything. everything still has a question mark, a coma. 

more than everything, i am thankful for this particular birthday. my parents were able to come home, celebrating it with me. we had a nice dinner, nice day. it was a quiet birthday than my other ones, but it was okay. i wasnt fully enjoying it, and i honestly kind of regret it now. i am not good, i never am, at expressing how thankful i am about my parents presence. its hard for me to do these kind of things, but i am grateful, i really am. 

there were no major surprises or whatever, and i didnt expect anything to be honest, but you know the feeling. you cant help it but feel a little bit disappointed. but then i realized that i am more blessed than so many people. and i am grateful for those who came to my house, so so so thankful. 

anyways, i am planning to write about the things i am thankful for but my brain isn't working well. maybe next post. maybe later. 

good night.