today i randomly backtracked old conversations of me with someone when i was suffering through one of the most dark path in my life. it made me realise that things are getting so much better right now. i have noticed that i am happier, i just didn't want to admit it too fast. i am afraid of taking things for granted. afraid of thinking about finally being stabile, and it suddenly bursts out laughing saying "not that easy, hun".
the chats though, i wasn't nice. i was a monster. i snapped at innocent people around me, i blamed things that are wrong on them. i was not trying to be nice at all, i was literally trying to be really bad. and now that i see it, it was a really ugly phase in my life.
when i said i was trying to be really bad, i was not kidding. i was trying to find that one spot where everything is clear, that i literally cleared out all the vagueness and dusts around me. i didn't want to be fake; to act like i was happy and okay. but i wasn't being genuine either: i was making things worst. i was trying to find something, but i didn't know what it was. i wanted to ask; i just didn't have any question. i was searching, searching to an endless road. trying to find one thing that possibly could make it all alright; i just didn't know where to go and what to find.
i thought, if my life has been ruined already, why not making it as worst as possible?
because whats the point of being a little bit happy? lets just freaking smash all the last bit of hope i could have had, and have a really crazy life altogether.
and now you might be thinking i was crazy. i should have not kick every little pieces of happiness i could have had gotten. i should have kept them near my heart, simply just to have something to hold on to.
the thing is; i understand my old self. i understand why i did it. and yes it doesn't make sense, i admit it, but i do understand. you may not, and i truly hope you wouldn't. but if someday in the future you did feel like smashing all the good things in life because you found it wrong to be just a little bit happy in the middle of your endless sufferings; i understand, and you're not alone.
i am thankful. so so so thankful that things are slowly getting better. the missing puzzles are starting to fill up. not completely, but enough for me. it has been the longest since i haven't fought and hurt someone, and i'm really happy about that. i realised and i am accepting the fact that my life wouldn't be perfect, and if this is the best that i could ever get, then its okay. i am learning to be grateful, and trying to be sneakier too xP
i now lie to myself (and for your information, i do know its a lie), that some things are okay, some things are allowed to be lied about to another people. that if i did any mistakes; its okay, because thats just the way it is. i lie to myself that wrong things are not wrong. i forgive myself. i accept shitty things. and though it still feels like shit, when you try to accept them; it feels better anyways.
accepting isn't easy. its a process. im sure it will feel better, though.
i hope you guys have a wonderful days too xx (: