6/9/14

It used to be the desire of running away that kept me going.

But now that everything has settled into their own right places, i just don't know what to do.

Yes, there will always be times when i regret staying, and yet there are things i'm glad for. 

Truth be told, i am afraid. When it was vague — the doorway — the idea seems so pretty, and yet felt so much like a dream. Now that it is getting clearer, i get to see things clearer too. I am afraid, and i dont know of what; i am afraid of myself, i am afraid i wont stay strong for that long. And i am afraid of responsibilities. Afraid of losing what have been so precious for me. I am afraid i will find myself doing all of this just to run away — and running away isn't always a good choice.

Deep down, i am afraid of being happy. Its been too long, i kind of forget how it feels like to be content. I am afraid of going into the same hole, afraid of going through the same mistakes. Afraid of crying again, afraid of being regretful. Its been traumatic for me, and underwent it once is more than enough.

I know that what matters now probably wont matter later. But i guess i dont want to take things for granted. I have lost a lot of things just because i was too busy fighting my own enemies — misery. And i dont want to miss anything anymore.

I am afraid of disappointment — because i have gone through it too often. I know i have been numb lately, and i have told you that being numb doesnt equal as content. And being numb means having empty bowl of feelings. Worse than having mixed feelings i guess, because you dont feel anything though you are supposed to. Human needs to feel. But i dont. There are two paths in front of me, and both destinations are still dark. Yet, i dont feel confused. I feel empty. Whether its left or right — its okay i guess. Because i am tired of hoping and wishing, lately every single thing has been leading into disappointment, and i would end up like a total fool. I am tired, and i am afraid. And everything is happening too fast — i often found myself suffocating.

I have choices now, choices i didn't have before. Choices that will change everything — who knows for better or worse. But i dont want to risk losing what i have now, because gambling means embracing the chance to lose. And losing is one of the things i dont want to go through again. 

Ps: i am in a more stable state of mind now, finally i can write longer ^^