5/20/14

Anxiety Issues

Hello!

i am here purely triggered by the desire of helping people who are struggling. :)

i should start with my own story, i guess?

i actually isn't really comfortable writing this for my public blog, but this is part of my healing, and i really just want to tell you guys, who maybe stumbled upon this page and suffering through something hard; you can get through it!

for the last 1,5 year, i guess i have been in some sort of depression. i have went to psychologist twice. i have written a lot of depressing stuffs. i have neglected everything that matters, and wasting my focus on the bad side of things. it started with simple fights, simple arguments and late night crying. until one day i couldn't take it anymore; because they had been piling up for months and i was carrying it alone.

i have this one friend i can lean on, but sharing it with someone actually gives my burden more weight; because i feel like i shouldn't make someone worry over my silly crazy life. so halfway through it, i stopped sharing, and decided to carry it alone.

i think one of the main reasons why it became harder each day was because i was too focused on wanting to be happy, i ended up envying other people's happier life from the side seat and forgot to try to be happy myself. because i was just tired, and depressed. and i was stuck. and it was black.

fast forward, my depression got worse. i stopped going to school, i stopped giving a fuck, i stopped crying, and i stopped smiling too. i was a constant fragile line, living day by day. i lost my vision, and my dreams. it was like playing a piano but no sound came out.

and then it got worse. worse and worse. i stopped talking, i stopped sleeping. i stopped caring. i stopped loving, and i feel like people stopped loving me.

for weeks, when i was at school, my hands would tremble, and i would talk with the hope of not choking. i was sweating a lot, when the air conditioner worked perfectly. i was tired, though i had already gotten enough sleep. my stomach would cry out of emptiness, and yet it wouldn't proceed the foods i consumed. those weeks were chaos. from Sunday to Friday i would be this unhappy haunted girl, but in Saturday i could finally be normal. and then the day shifted and it was Sunday again, and my heart would beat quickly.

it took me awhile until i realised that i was in some sort of issues. i googled it, and based on the symptoms i had been going through, it seemed like i underwent an anxiety issues.

and it was true. i was having an anxiety issues.

long story short, i went to the psychologist and this is what she said:

"life wouldn't be easy. you will go up and you will go down. up and down and up and down. but when you draw a line from the start until where you are now, it actually goes upward. but there will be time in someone's life, when the line is constant. you aren't going up nor down. and the way you handle it is up to you. you can keep going even if its hard. keep that constancy going. or you give up and you'll go down. you'll go down, and down, and by the time you realise it; you are already way far down. and it will be hard for you to go back to where you already were."

yes, i had given up and i was going downward. i couldn't keep my constancy up and it will be hard for me to go back to where i am supposed to be.

then she said:

"it does take time to go back. it does. but take your time. slowly. slowly."

slowly. slowly.

it takes time. it takes time. you just need to hang on there, sweetheart, and you will be fine. it takes time. you don't have to be better now. take your time. im 100% sure things will get better soon.

so what's the point? 

the point is, yes, life is a blender and it thinks you are a milk ready to be shaken and served like a sweet milkshake. but, you know what? you are not alone. we all are going through hard times too. i am here for you. dont keep it to yourself, tell someone, tell somebody. write. write it down. you dont need to carry it alone. things will get better soon. you just need to trust yourself.

you are not alone. and trust me,
things will get better.

you can do this. :)

selmaxoxo