Between Yes and No

evening, beautiful.
its been a long time, it is not?
this time i should be studying but i simply caught myself refusing to focus, same old same old.
i haven't posted anything lately due to one crucial thing and that is: nothing to write about.
i am not on the edge of breaking, i am not numb and my life is pretty stable right now. i really don't know how to put it into words, but we'll see. 

 looking back, its weird how i have changed for the last couple of months. my life is getting more stable, and i guess thats a good thing. what i hadn't expected was: stable doesn't equal as content. i am losing faith. i am walking on a vague path. and its not necessarily a new thing to walk on a vague path, but what scares me is that i dont care anymore if it doesn't get any clearer.  i lost my sight of the light i had been longing for. sometimes i really don't care, sometimes i simply cant get myself to think about it; partly because i am tired, partly because i don't want to be hurt again.

here i am realising just now, that getting hurt over and over again doesn't make you stronger, it actually makes you smarter. smarter enough not to fall into the same hole. but the price you gotta pay for being smarter is: you lose that faith which kept you going throughout the journey. 

sometimes you need to grip something to feel certain about yourself. for me personally, i'd like to know who i am, and what i am feeling. its hard for me to be in the middle of everything; hanging between yes and no, between hoping and letting go. but it is exactly what have been happening. i dont know where to go, and i cant tell which one is right and which one is the opposite. i dont feel miserable for once, but i dont feel particularly happy either. i stopped running away, and i stopped running after. 

and i think, you are pretty screwed if you found yourself deciding not to care about anything anymore.


Tiger Face
Stephen Dunn

Because you can be what you’re not
for only so long,
one day the tiger cub raised by goats

wandered to the lake and saw himself.
It was astounding
to have a face like that, cat-handsome,

hornless, and we can imagine he stared
a long time, then sipped
and pivoted, bemused yet burdened now

with choice. The mother goat had nursed him.
The others had tolerated
his silly quickness and claws.

And because once you know who you are
you need not rush,
and good parents are a blessing

whoever they are, he went back to them,
rubbing up against
their bony shins, keeping his secret to himself.

but after a while the tiger who’d found
his true face
felt the disturbing hungers, those desires

to get low in the reeds, swish his tail
Because he was a cat he disappeared

without goodbyes, his goat-parents relieved
such a thing was gone.
And we can imagine how, alone and beyond

choice, he wholly became who he was—
that zebra or gazelle
stirring the great blood rush and odd calm
as he discovered, while moving, what needed
to be done.