Let it Go

Holiwater was fun. danced my ass off with Sas, Ar, and Ac. got wet for just filling in the watergun. colored. white shirt turned into an ombre one. cold. picnic. and a little rave afterwards. ah the price aras and i had to pay which was q-ing for 2 hours under the shining sun, not eating or drinking and couldn't fucking sit has been forgotten already.

thoughts went back to Bali and the freedom. free from school. free from obligations. and homework. and damn tests.

seems like Bali trip was a year ago, when it was only just a week. i left my wings there, i cant fly again now. the dark thoughts come back like a rush, they hate leaving me alone. 

many tests, little time. little time to rest, little time to think. live like a zombie, do what i am told, do what have been written on my agenda. sleep, and do it all over again.

im hanging, i really am. in my head im just thinking about the future, the escape mission. that light at the end of the tunnel. but its not promised yet, its so unclear. ambigu. and im afraid my effort is for nothing at all at the end, nothing good anyway. 

i am so tired of being this person, the one who wishes upon a star like an idiot. the one who hopes. and sometimes just cant let it go. not that i want so many, i just want one thing that will be so significant - and it seems so far away. so blurry. i am tired of gripping my wishes so tight, holding into it because its the only thing that saves me. nobody knows how important this particular dream is for me. nobody will understand, because it has too much meaning, deeper than what it looks like. and i know my dream is just a wish, and somebody is holding a bow ready to shoot it and blow it into million dusts, but i am hoping anyway. 

because hope is the only thing that keeps me going. and i hate it. i need to let it go. i cant fool myself, and at the end hurting me again. 

but i cant.


let it go – the
e.e. cummings

let it go – the
smashed word broken
open vow or
the oath cracked length
wise – let it go it
was sworn to

let them go – the
truthful liars and
the false fair friends
and the boths and
neithers – you must let them go they
were born
to go

let all go – the
big small middling
tall bigger really
the biggest and all
things – let all go

so comes love


p.s: but should i really let my hopes go? to give up on it? to untie a helium balloon and let it go?