I want to matter

hello beautiful. its been a while.

a couple of days back, i got into a conversation about... how different people are.

i sometimes think its impossible that someone dreams of being an office worker and trapped behind a wooden rotten desk. its impossible that someone prefers to stay at home on saturday night rather than to go out even if he doesn't have anywhere to go.

and the conversation reminded me that not all people are the same. there are actually people whose dream are like that. there are people who are the opposite of me. its funny how i really want to go away and try a different world; and there are actually people who want to stay at the same place for the rest of their lives.

here is the thing. some people are just lucky, some people... dont have much luck. but some people work their ass off to get what they want. what do i want exactly? i thought about this the other night.

do i want to go because i want to escape, do i want to go because i am bored, do i want to go because i simply do. i saw myself being such a quitter who takes short cuts to get what i want, who choose to go rather than filling up the missing holes. and i have been trying to rethink about everything, but its like i'm blinded. i dont really know what i want. i guess i just simply want to go, because i have had enough. as vague as it sounds; its true.

my brain works at night. the biology comes to my brain at night, the dark thoughts visit me at night, the euphoria hugs me at night, the creative soul becomes me at night, the melancholic too. tonight the dream of who i want to be crossed my mind. i think i probably have known this for quite awhile, but i didn't think it mattered much. but it does.

what i want?

i want to matter. 

i want to be known; socially, professionally. i want to make the one who knows me proud of who i am, that they will point at me and say to their friend "i know her."

it doesn't necessarily means i want to become famous like a movie star; doesn't mean i want to have fans; i just want to matter. i want to be remembered, missed and loved. i want to matter. and i want to make an impact on other people. to shake the world a little bit.

when? maybe not now. maybe it needs a hard work. maybe through my writings, maybe through my videos, my capability, my life. but anyways, this is what im striking for.