Crumbled Down

Yesterday you had no choice but to see me broke down in the car. I cried silently, that when you looked back to the passanger seat and saw the tears streamed down my face, i could feel you were not prepared. After awhile i had no strength to hold back again that all hell broke lose and i cried like a baby longing for food. I cried for a good 45 minutes i guess, then i wrapped myself with a blanket and fell asleep with my head underneath it. Next thing i knew i was woken up, went to my room with my face facing the floor, and i fell asleep again on my bed.

Now, you had never seen me cry and neither have them. But now that you have, i hope you understand why i do things the way i do. I hope you could see through my sobs how my life has been; because i have never told anyone, and i had never cried in front of someone. I hope you could see that my moment of weakness yesterday wasn't just caused by one fight over the telephone. I have not cry for awhile, the day before New Year probably is the last time. And for the whole 1,5 month, i had been holding back — and yesterday was a cry of revenge. Of getting it all out. 

Im sorry for crying in front of you. I didnt plan it, you just happened to be there when my bowl of desperation is already too full and breaking. 

Today i didn't go to school — i planned to go. But in the morning i didn't feel like i am okay — mentally. And physically — so i stayed home instead. If i told the teacher that i have a mental problem, would they still put me on sick category?

5. I woke up at 11 am. Wasn't hungry. Fell asleep again. I just feel so tired today. Crying overnight took a lot of your energy, i guess. I was woken up at 2 because i needed to go to the doctor. Ended up woke up at 3 because i slept like a monkey. I am still tired until now, i don't feel like i am living.

Again: breathing, but not living

Written on Friday.