2/3/14

c'est la vie #1

Things i've known for awhile but afraid to admit until now:

1. thinking that sacrifice your own happiness to see somebody you care about happy is making you happy too is a bullshit everyone needs to stop believing. its not. it wont. it still hurts. your ego might be put aside, but your feelings aren't. you can lie to yourself over and over again, but you will never be entirely happy. admit it, it doesn't make you happy too. seek for your own happiness. seek for it, you deserve it.

2. you will always be with yourself and nobody else. you will walk ahead and stand for yourself until nobody left. until the people you think will stay are nowhere to be seen. you will always be alone. because nobody understands what it feels like to be you, no matter how many times they say they do. no matter how many times they say they are getting through the same road. they wont. you are alone. your story is something nobody would bother to read until the last page. they will just scan it thoroughly and act like they have read it all. and that is not the same thing.

you are alone. at the end of the day you will always end up in your bathroom, crying like a baby. and nobody will be there, except your two shaky arms that will hold you tight to keep you from crumbling into pieces. you will be fine. you are alone. but you will be fine.

3. happy is not eternal. you can be happy now, and the next second you can be the complete opposite. life plays you like a game. and it seems to be always winning.

4. sometimes you have to act like you are okay. what they do is okay. that your heart is made out of a rock, that it is so hard it cant be broken. sometimes you have to put that pretty mask on your face. so nobody sees whats underneath, which are scars and blood and tears and bruises. sometimes its because explaining why would be more than you could take. sometimes its just simply because you dont want to be judged.

people dont get the reason why you do things.

5. people tend to forget that you are made out of broken and missing puzzles. you are built out of experiences you've gotten through. and those experiences could be bad or good. and the bad ones often caused by people. and they dont realize they are the reason you are this broken, this bruised, this bad. they dont realize they were the ones who built the devil inside you.

6. writing seems to be the only thing that can make me calm, because they understand. they listen, they see and they watch. they dont judge. they dont give come backs. they dont defend anyone. they let me think by myself and not give me influences. they are always there. they let me be me. they let me decide. they let me see things clearly, and differently. they give me time and space to just think.

7. this one: i dont think people can relate. but i think i need to write this one;

you said you aren't as strong as you used to be so you can't really do things with me. but im here stupidly waiting for that moment where a q time is spent between us. and it seems like i need to work on this - it will never happen. this issue needs to end. but.

where were you when you were "strong" enough? you were busy. and you missed out those times you should have been by my side. and now im still craving for those skipped times. even if i know its stupid.


c'est la vie,
s xx