1/20/14

They Never Really Left

1
tonight is calm. math is taking over my night. its 11 pm and i am not done, yet i cant stop my thoughts from flying to another things; another things that are not relevant, that dont have any deadlines.

2
is it just me or are you like this too? your thoughts are too loud, too many to be kept in one bag and zipped. i was studying, but my mind was talking like a novel; it was making story, it was telling one. but then when i finally decided to give up and write; its blank. 

its so hard to write lately, it really is.

3
tonight i am being a little melancholy. 

how can you miss someone you dont know personally? 
how can you miss something that has never happened?
how can you miss something that only exists in your head?
how can you miss the future, when it hasn't happened yet?

4
i am afraid. afraid of tomorrow, and the next day after it, and the next and the next. i am afraid they will be disappointing, i am afraid i have always expected too much. i am afraid they will be just like today and yesterday. i am afraid i will always be in here; like this, like today, suffocating. i am afraid i will always be like this; i will always be longing for the future, and not living the present. 

5

i dont like being in the dark. i dont like question marks. i dont like "we will see". i dont like "probably". i dont like "maybe". i like guarantees. i like to be on track. i mean, who am i kidding? i know that life wont ever let you be on track ever. i know better than that. 

6

dont get me wrong i do like surprises. i do like adventures, i do like some changes too. im not even thinking about what job i would have ―  i am thinking about would i be happy? i am thinking about would i be able to do what i have always wanted to do?

this is such a crappy post. its just that i really need to write, and my brain wont shut down, but at the same time i am losing words. 


did my brain get hit or something? it seems to be not working properly.


7

i guess i am just tired. my schedule is really tight for the past few weeks. maybe i am like this because i dont even have time for myself, to just enjoy a day with a cup of hot chocolate and warm blankets. sometimes the simplest things are the best.

8

second guess, is maybe i have nothing to write. my life is as plain as a new white uniform; no color, no stain, no smell, no nothing. not even a nothing. i do laugh and i do smile; but i still have better days. sometimes i think about myself, about how i can become really happy around people, but then really depressed when the lights are off, when the crowd is gone. who i really am? the one when the lights are on, or the one curl up in the corner in the dark? because i am not faking it, i am not acting.  dont fake my laugh and my smile and my goofiness and foolishness, but i obviously dont fake my tears either.

9
i guess — and i have been saying this million times  — my mind is too loud. and when i am with people, i can somehow bury them deep down. they are defeated by the sound of the chiming crowds. but then when silence comes in, they come back to the surface with a sly grin.
they never really leave me alone. 

***

Anthem
Leonard Cohen
The birds they sang
at the break of day
Start again
I heard them say
Don’t dwell on what
has passed away
or what is yet to be.
Ah the wars they will
be fought again
The holy dove
She will be caught again
bought and sold
and bought again
the dove is never free.
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.
We asked for signs
the signs were sent:
the birth betrayed
the marriage spent
Yeah the widowhood
of every government —
signs for all to see.
I can’t run no more
with that lawless crowd
while the killers in high places
say their prayers out loud.
But they’ve summoned, they’ve summoned up
a thundercloud
and they’re going to hear from me.
Ring the bells that still can ring…
You can add up the parts
but you won’t have the sum
You can strike up the march,
there is no drum
Every heart, every heart
to love will come
but like a refugee.
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.
That’s how the light gets in.
That’s how the light gets in.