I know that i failed miserably on ending the countdowns properly, because 1) my damned life started to crumble down fucking again. not that its shocking. haha. 2) i decided to go to a new year's eve party here in Surabaya since i want to start my year by doing other than sleeping or mourning about pathetic stuffs. — oh and it was surprisingly fun! went there with my cousin and met a cute guy. (not that i got a phone number what so ever, we just saw him from afar because thats how we do).

but here i am wanting to make up for my failure.... by posting my NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION! please keep it in mind that my resolutions usually are just another resolution that would just end up being spoken but not done. 

but i reaaaaaaally want to achieve all my goals for this year, and i am dead serious about doing them all.

so here we go, i guess.....?

i asked myself, what do i really want in 2014?

and the one thing that popped up instantly was: happiness —which is so vague. which is basically what everyone wanted. something that sounds so easy yet so hard to achieve.

and i don't want any more vagueness, i don't want any more blurs. i want it to happen, to be able to tick it off my wishlist.

SNAP. Hahaha.

Its been a long journey, fella. And its probably been too long than its supposed to be, because i was wrong since the beginning. Kadang kadang bukan maju kedepan yang dibutuhkan, bukan menembus segala rintangan dengan keras dan penuh tekad justru mungkin kita perlu mundur beberapa langkah, menghapus beberapa jejak, dan memulai dari awal.

Jadi, harapannya sekarang bukan sesimpel "ingin bahagia", tapi harapannya adalah supaya bisa menemukan cahaya yang akan menunjukkan jalan ke kebahagiaan itu:) salah satunya adalah untuk menjadi lebih dewasa. Lebih pengertian, dan melepaskan sifat egois. Lebih sabar dan lebih menerima, lebih legowo lah intinya. Lebih berpikir panjang, dan bisa mengontrol emosi. Lebih bisa bersyukur, bersyukur dan bersyukur. Bisa membahagiakan orang - orang sekitar, karena sadar atau engga, membahagiakan orang lain itu secara tidak langsung ngebahagiain kita sendiri at least i feel it that way. Even if that happiness isn't complete, its better than nothing.

Di tahun 2014 nanti, harus (perubahan notasi. pake HAVE, bukan WANT dan WILL. Its a new beginning.) lebih rajin belajar. Harus mengingatkan diri sendiri bahwa mungkin emang gapeduli berapa kecepatan Budi melempar bola keatas dengan gravitasi blablabla, tapi ini proses yang perlu dijalani sebelum nantinya fokus ke hal yang emang disukai. Dan itu juga salah satu bentuk tanda bersyukur; karena banyak anak yang belum mampu untuk sekolah.

Mau ikut banyak kegiatan sosial. Mau jadi volunteer. Mau berpartisipasi di charities. Mau membantu orang - orang. Its something i have always wanted to do, udah melakukan research and everything, tapi selalu terhalang. Pokoknya di tahun 2014 harus terrealisasikan.

I want to love my body even more. Not to get skinnie r  but to be healthier. To feed it with healthier foods and drinks (even though i have not eaten junk foods for almost 2 years now, i didnt really eat healthily either). To do zumba or body combat, or muay thai or yoga, or just simply running routinely. 

Mau menabung, tidak boros lagi. Menabung dan menabung untuk beli go pro.Untuk those beautiful purses. Untuk mini little get away yang akan bayar pakai uang sendiri, supaya ngga ngerepotin dan rasanya lebih puas. Untuk saat jaman sale dan bisa belanja. Intinya menabung.

Nggak neko - neko. Hanya segitu aja kok :-)

Oh! one more. 

i am inspired by this one blog which i'll put the link on future posts since i stupidly forget whats the link of the blog. i'll be doing this one project where i post/blog at least 5 pics each week in 2014, probably i'd pick Sundays since it's last/first day of the week! i think this will be fun, and i dont think i can do it properly due to my crazy school schedule, but i really hope i can nail it because it will be so amazing to see me growing up through pictures.

* * *

this storm, my friend, is a teacher. and she is teaching us to be better, and to be more grateful. and teach us that life wont be fair, and it wont be easy. you'll walk out of that storm being a better you. and at the end, its probably worth it.

Here i leave you with:

I'm Told
Selma Halida
30 December 2013

I find it really hard to see straight into your deep black eyes
Partly because I don't like eye contacts
Partly because they are your eyes
Partly because I know how they are capable of telling whats inside your heart
That last one though

I don't know if I'm afraid to see your affection
Or to see your eyes water out of disappointment I gave to you
Because truths are unnerving
And your eyes hold them 

I know I often glance to the cracked floor
Or sometimes to the high ceiling above
And it's not because I'm fascinated by them
And its not because I'm not fascinated by your smile 
But your smile has that power of making me shiver
Do I know its bad or its good
I just know I don't really want to see
Because your smile holds truth too 
Not as obvious as your eyes, but still
Just as alarming
Reckless Poem
Mary Oliver
Today again I am hardly myself.
It happens over and over.
It is heaven-sent.
It flows through me
like the blue wave.
Green leaves — you may believe this or not —
have once or twice
emerged from the tips of my fingers
deep in the woods,
in the reckless seizure of spring.
Though, of course, I also know that other song,
the sweet passion of one-ness.
Just yesterday I watched an ant crossing a path, through the
         tumbled pine needles she toiled.
And I thought: she will never live another life but this one.
And I thought: if she lives her life with all her strength
         is she not wonderful and wise?
And I continued this up the miraculous pyramid of everything
         until I came to myself.
And still, even in these northern woods, on these hills of sand,
I have flown from the other window of myself
to become white heron, blue whale,
         red fox, hedgehog.
Oh, sometimes already my body has felt like the body of a flower!
Sometimes already my heart is a red parrot, perched
among strange, dark trees, flapping and screaming.