What is the meaning of living? Is it to be alive or to feel alive?
The year is almost over — yet I haven't feel like living. I breath, yes, and I live, and even if it's hard to believe: i survived.
But I'm not necessarily living.
Looking back, some of the bumps I found on the road were pretty silly. But the rest were a total mess. And I didn't think I would be able to pass them all, but here I am, surviving. I mean, you can see me being drowned again sometimes, but after a while I would finally find the light that leads me back to the surface. Yes I am gasping, and yes I am tired of resisting the urge to give up, but at least I am not entirely drowned and dead due to suffocating.
But back to my question: what is the meaning of living? What is the purpose of it? What is the purpose of existence?
And I am not asking the reason why God created us, because that's a whole other point. But I'm digging for answers for the meaning of living.
Warning: the following paragraph would sound a lot like a typically desperate teenager who thinks she knows what's best for her and nothing in the world could ever stop her doing what she wants (not that it's going to be about THAT — believe me, I have gotten past through that horrible times, lol — but it will sound as childish and as annoying).
I am a hardcore dreamer, you see. And a thinker. And I often over analyze everything, it's not healthy. I also am a wanderer, and I have a wanderlust planted deep in my bones. With that in mind, I can say that my idea of living, like, the actual living, is to be happy and adventurous. To do what I love in daily basis and not get bored with it. To try new things and to experience different stuffs. To be able to love, and being loved. To be free.
It's too much like a dream, Isn't it? I am not saying that the "actual living" doesn't involve a few bumps on the road, I'm just saying that living is to be free. To be able to do what I love and experience various exciting stuffs. It's not supposed to be dull and full of routines, like it is right now. (It's not even dull, it's miserable). I'm not even complaining about school and homework, I am beyond that. I long for the thump of the heart when I'm too nervous because I don't know what's gonna happen next. Like the rumble of your hands when opening wrapped up presents. Like staying up all night because of the excitement of welcoming tomorrow.
I am so pathetic sometimes. After I wrote it down, it felt even more silly. Sounded too much like a movie, and I should have known by now that movies aren't real, and they never will be.
I want to feel alive, is that too much to ask though?
Anyways, being alive and surviving 2013 are an achievement already. And I am thankful for a lot of things, despite everything that has happened this year.
* * *
Shortened lists of what i am grateful for in 2013, in no particular order (the original one was way longer):
• Poetry; they somehow saved me.
• Beautiful words. They are there when nothing else was :)
• Jackie my beloved purple penny.
• Ampera & Kemang; simply save my life from the horrible traffic in Fatmawati.
• Hot yoga, zumba and sauna.
• Roasted whole wheat bread with peanut butter and nutella.
• 3 in 1 Cadbury Hot Chocolate on weekend mornings.
• I am given a soul that still capable of wishing upon a star, despite the major craze my fragile life has been.
• Long car rides.
• My new room + study room by the window.
• The feeling of being loved at the most unexpected times, by the most unexpected amazing people.
• My new friends, my rekindle long lost friendships, and the remaining ones who always stay no matter what.
• Shoulders to cry on, a place to be called home.
• Being there for people who are lost.
• The 3 hours of non stop crying with a shrink.
• The ups and downs that made me even stronger.
• A journey on finding who i really am.
• Jacksgap, FunForLouis etc: they represent me as a traveler who love the world and unexpected journeys. They inspire me to do what i have always wanted to do: traveling. And to make the most of my life. That boredom and dullness are state of mind.
• My growing brothers whom i love very much.
• A nice dinner at restaurants with the right people.
• My wonderful cousins who teach me a lot about life, love and laugh.
• Finding out that i am more stronger than i thought i could ever be.
• My red tote bag and black or nude shoes which go really well with almost everything.
• My parents, my family, my big family.
• Two Singapore trips with my beloved friends.
• Earphones which blasts music really well.
• The opportunity to organize my own party.
• Make Up Forever sophist red lipstick + liquid sheer lipgloss. That shining red, my friend!
• iPad mini; which i have been craving for a long time.
• Allegiant by Veronica Roth.
• My red highlighted hair. I just love you.
I probably missed one or two essential things;
But all i was saying is,
There was a lot of struggle this year, and 2013 isn't necessarily a wonderful year for me. But if i list down the things i am grateful for, i can slowly see the bright sides of it. There are happy days slipped in between, that often forgotten.
Sometimes its the simplest things, you know.
The sound of waves meeting the shore, and the calm it brings.
The smell of new books, and the adventure it offers.
The laughs after crying, and the relieve it gives.
The familiar softness of your favorite blanket, and the coziness it guarantees.