Never Been So Blatant

you could see the burning rage in my eyes
but you would never see what lies underneath

* * *

its been years since you've found out that you'd never make it through, yet here you are still trying to conquer the waves that seem like they are ready to drown you into their fast spinning currents. one thing at a time, you said to yourself. try to learn, and then to understand, and then you will finally ready to accept, you thought. its going to be okay, that deep corner in your shattered heart said. and you never thought that something so positive could be as equal as a bullshit, as a white lie. as something was said just to make you calm. 

but its been years, my friend. and it seems like it has no end. that pinch of sunlight at the end of the tunnel is nowhere to be seen. maybe because the sun stops shining a long time ago, or maybe the tunnel just has no end. 

you think when you finally understand, it will be easier to accept things. but you don't know that there is another step after accepting; its letting go. and letting go is never easy.

and then there are some points in your life when you are tired of holding back, that you let yourself free once in awhile even though you know that "once in a while" could ruin all the walls you've built with tears and sweats in a matter of seconds. and then you get so tired that you don't know how to do it anymore. how to put your feelings and cracks down under, and do everything to make everything better as a priority. when all you want is a simple happiness, for crying out loud.

and you are there, standing with your head held high, eyes sharp as a knife, not that you are mad, its just that you are trying so hard to cover your true feelings. clenching your teeth so tight you can hear the cracks. your fingers are buried in your palms, because God knows what they might hurt. probably your cheeks, as they would gladly scratch them badly out of desperation. 

and then it hits you..

you don't know where are you. are you on the ladder trying to climb up to get the victory flag, to win your battle, or are you trying to climb up a flat wall, knowing that you never actually have the slightest chance to win, but you are still trying anyway. and hoping that the flag will somehow fall into your red tired palms that have been stupidly trying to grip the wall to get on top.

are you fighting or are you addicted to masochism? 

do you really forget the warmth that happiness brings, that you would rather be burnt and burnt over and over again, because thats the closest thing you could ever be to warmness. 

i am tired of fighting all my life, but it is hard to give up. because i have certain parts of me that still crave for the pinch of sunlight at the end of the tunnel. even if the rest are already burnt, that they don't need sunlight to burn them even more.

i guess its masochism after all.

because there was a slight second when the fire is warm enough but not yet ready to burn. and i've been wanting that warmness so bad that to feel it even just for a second, i'll let myself get burnt.

what is more pathetic than that, though? :')

* * *

i know it seems like i dont care, i know it seems like i am a girl with a loud voice who always has too much to say. i know that my smile looks genuine and it sometimes is, i know i look like i dont give a fuck at all. i know that you probably think that i am selfish, i know you are probably tired with me. i know that i am complicated, and i know that you think i dont want you to be happy. i know that i make you sad, and i know that i rarely make you happy. i know it looks like i hate you, i know that i dont. i know that its so easy to give up on me, and i dont know if you've done that a long time ago or are you still here for me. i know that i am not easy, and i know that i am shit. i know i am wrong, you dont know that you are one of the reasons why i am. i know you will never understand, i really do now, but im still stupidly hoping you will someday. i know that im hurting myself, and i know im so naive. i need you to listen for once, and please dont talk or cut me through. i want to stop crying in the middle of the night, under the blanket, in the darkness, buried by the music. i want to stop feeling pain. i want you to listen. i want you to understand. i want you to talk to me. i want to ask you how can i make things better, but i want you to make efforts too. i dont want to do it alone. i want you to read me. to know what im feeling, but you are blind to see. i want you to see how much pain you have left me to deal with, how many band aids i have to put on them, how the scars stay forever, how shattered my heart is. i want you to see, and to understand, and to listen. for once. and i am pleading to you on my knees, but that still wouldn't do it right? you wouldn't. you won't.

its okay. i am getting used to deal with it alone. not that it gets easier, but i am getting better at how to face it.

i luvs u.