do you have those grey days when you were sitting on your chair, arms frustratedly on the desk, trying to study for your exam, but you just couldn't and you ended up sitting blankly, staring at the window, listening to the sound of rain falling which you actually disliked? you were battling with yourself, and you realized this is what they called "hati dan otak itu nggak selaras"

i was not sad nor frustrated, nor losing hope or giving up. i thought. i didn't really know? because i didn't dwell on it every second, i didn't even think about it. but my chest felt like it was being punched, and i was somehow gasping for air. nobody saw it though. nobody could. 

at one point then, it occured to me that probably i was hit so bad, if thats the right word, that i didn't even realize i am sad and probably broken. maybe because i really didn't want to think about it. but my body did. my unconcious self did. 

my tears definitely did.

because they just fell off my face suddenly, whether i was laying on my bed or even praying. but i didn't even think about anything. i was just watching tv.. then suddenly my face was already wet. and my chest still feels like its being punched until now. and i partly know why, partly don't...

it just does not make any sense.

i am going insane :)