8/5/13

Morn mourn

Aug 5. 2013. 

5:20 am

there are times when you are just so fucking tired with the people around you who make you feel you are not good enough, when in fact you know you are.

like no matter how hard you fucking try to prove that you are the other way around of the pictures about you that linger over their head, they just wont appreciate it. no matter how hard you try to make them see you differently, it just wont work.

you were hurt but you covered it well enough to act like you were not. but then you know acting like you are okay wont change anything. in that condition of being wounded, and they seem to be oblivious about it, they talk to you about the last thing you really want to hear. and it comes to the point when you really are tired.

like, tired - tired.

and you just want to say it to their faces that they have been wrong the whole fucking time but your tongue is somehow tied. and you fucking mad to them, and to yourself. then you dwell on the things they have done to you that hurt you pretty bad in the past, and hurt you so deep in the present, and you really just fucking tired, so you stop.

you stop trying to convince them. 
you stop trying to be accepted.
you stop trying to make them see.
you stop caring about god knows how they are thinking about you.

and you make yourself fucking numb, but there are hollows in your heart.

but at least you are trying to heal the wound, let the scar stings once in a while, and let yourself guard your heart from them. for good. 

5:30 am

well. maybe not tired. its not an exact word to describe the feelings you have kept alone for quite a while.

maybe deep down, you are afraid. you are still that insecure little girl curling in the dark corner, putting your head on your knees.

and then you go through your feelings and you know that its not hatred or fear that triggered your anger, its the protective side of you. you just realize that you don't want to get hurt anymore - you just want this to be over. and you just want to be complete again, for once in a while, for gods sake. so you stop and guard yourself even more, because the last time didn't work well. you plant barriers in front of your feelings and your brain, involuntarily doing a self defense.