1/14/17

to have someone pointed it out to you that you might be depressed again isnt exactly the best feeling, but i guess its better than having no one realising it.

i didnt realise i kept trying to justify the symptoms, telling myself i was just too lazy to do anything since its a summer break. but honestly, nothing excites me anymore. not a 7 days vacation, not the beach, not a concert, or even a movie.

i think the reason why i kept telling myself this was all normal, this was how things are supposed to be, is because i have zero idea about the reason why i'm going back to that path again. okay, not exactly zero, but i thought i have grown stronger enough to handle smaller obstacles.

im not as bad as i used to, not yet. i hope i will never be as bad as i used to. it was hell, im pretty sure going through it twice wont make it less of a hell.

i have been having sleeping problems these past few weeks. for the first time in my life, i took sleeping pills because i was tense and i just could not fall asleep. i told myself it was probably because i messed up my sleeping schedule, but messed up sleeping schedule means you sleep, just during odd times. i dont sleep at all.

i guess, to choose being in denial all this time without seeking for help is a stupid, naive decision. but i thought hiding this, burying this for months would make it go away. but it wouldnt. it just grows silently, and then without me knowing, i have gone. i have gone to that path. yet again.

12/29/16

whats the point of running away when the problem lies within you? you keep blaming people but at the end of the day, everything points at you. 

 even when your back faces the wall, you dont want to put down your gun to save your own life. because you dont know how to. because you dont know that when you decided to build walls around yourself, it was not just to block people from coming in but also blocking yourself from coming out. 

you thought moving away would heal you but it was a repeat of the same vicious cycle in a different place. you thought it was something out of your control, and it was, you just didnt know it was inside you. 

when you realised it was though, you are already bleeding and everyone has left you behind. and thats because of you. because you block people away. 

now, you are in a dark tunnel. cold, shivering. alone, crying. but maybe dark is better, dark doesnt judge you. dark stays around and gives you the space — and if it provides you the tiniest bit of comfort, thats fine. its better than nothing at all. 

i guess you'll have to figure out whether there will be a sunshine at the end of the tunnel, or a dead end. 

for now, though, just keep walking. 

i wrote a letter to myself on my 20th birthday.

happy birthday. wow 20 years have passed so quickly like a blink of an eye. who thought everything would turn out to be like this? i dont know what the future holds, but for today, happy birthday. 

you have gone through a lot. i am proud of you. i thought i have given you enough love but i guess i was wrong. i am your biggest enemy, and your biggest hater. i have been giving you more scars than bandages, and i am sorry for that. 

i guess the reason why i keep saying i love you is because i thought saying the words would make it more real, somehow tangible, somehow visible, and believable. because i desperately want to believe i love you. 

but saying it and actually doing it are two different things, and i am sorry for feeding you lies.

i have been telling you you are not worthy of love, because you are way too broken. these days, i realised i was wrong. i mean, who knows whether you deserve love or not — i should not be the one who decides. try to accept people's helping hands, try to share your burden. sometimes its good to just let it all out; sometimes you have to learn to share not only your happiness but also sadness. 

i want to lie to you and say you did well, you are strong, you are okay. but i cant. its been hard these days isnt it? im sorry for the sleepless nights, for the thumping heart, for the redened cheeks, for the blurry eyes. i want you to be happy, but we cant always get what we want, right?

im sorry for making you feel like its not okay to say you are broken, sad, stressed, and tired. i am sorry to have imposed society expectations upon you. i am sorry for making you feel like its wrong to not be okay. i am sorry for expecting you to endure everything alone, to keep pushing you beyond your limit. its been hard, isnt it?

i hope you will have a great year. mentally and physically healthier. a much better person, a person who knows how to prioritise things. stop being selfish, stop putting your ego first. if you keep doing that; you might really end up underserving of love. i want you to get better. i want you to be happy. 

i know its hard to suffer it twice. but get a hold of yourself. seek help. stop feeling embarassed about your mental state. stop hating yourself, give love back to yourself. you were happy, you were full of love. you can go back to the old you if you try hard enough. 

people come and go, they simply dont stay. doesnt mean you cant trust anybody though. at least for now, they are beside you. cherish them. appreciate them. stop taking them for granted; just because they are here now, does not mean they will be here tomorrow. you have to know that you are blessed. 

happy birthday. i sincerely wish you the happiest birthday. we often take the word happy for granted; but the feeling is definitely not for everyone to have. i learned that the hard way. 

happy birthday. be a better person. not just for other people but also for yoursef. treat yourself better, you deserve it. 

happy birthday. 
happy, happy birthday. 

ps. wrote it on my bday. i just didnt feel like posting it. 

5/13/16

because getting comfortable with someone is hard,


and finding someone who is comfortable with you is just as hard

5/10/16

its scattered everywhere, like pieces of puzzles. some under the sofa, some under the table, some is just somewhere invisibly, comfortably, nestled. 

everything is a blur, and everywhere is a sore. i feel like i've been running for a marathon, the problem is i don't know where its going to end; or do i really want the prize. 

i find myself looking and finding. i guess the deeper the water, the darker it gets. 

i hate myself for hurting you, and i hate you for hurting me. we keep throwing knives at each other, and we both keep acting like we are good at seizing them. we are both bleeding, we just don't know how to stop. partly because we have no other choices, partly because we think its worth it, mostly because we think we are the only one who bleed.

it's like i know i am not enough for you, so i end up blaming myself, and i don't know how to handle the guilt so i end up blaming you too, and you end up being hurt, and the cycle continues. its like there's no ending, or maybe i just don't want to try to end it. because i don't know how to, and i know you won't understand anyway.

it's dark, all the lights are out, and we decide to close our eyes. because it's not dark enough, it never is.





4/3/16

Second

these past weeks have been rough. i keep letting myself go downhill, and i am afraid i will go back to how i used to be. which is ridiculous considering i have ran 3000 miles away to get better. but i guess the idea of running away is a joke in the first place, because i didn't fix what needed to be fixed, i just left it broken.

i locked myself away last week from everyone. from the people who care about me, and until now i'm not exactly sure why. but i suppose thats what i do best: i push people away. i am a broken vase, a sinking boat. what i mean is: let me piece together the glasses, let me repair my leaks. what i mean is: they deserve better. they deserve someone who won't be too busy saving herself. 

what i mean is: i have never been decent for anyone, i am too complex for anyone to figure out. what i mean is: i keep telling people that i come second. what i mean is: i succeeded. i'm always a second choice. always. 

its not like they are wrong anyway. i was the one who made myself a second choice for everyone, because i put myself behind a wall nobody can break through. but these days it gets really tiring. i want someone to lean on, someone who gets it. but at the same time i know i don't deserve anyone; i  will end up being the one who receives. giving someone else a piece of affection when i can't even properly love myself is somewhat impossible; they deserve better. they do.

so cheers to the lonely hearts,
you need you the most

"thats the problem with putting others first; you've taught them that you come second"

3/8/16

For Grace, After A Party - Frank O'Hara

For Grace, After A Party
Frank O’Hara

You do not always know what I am feeling.
Last night in the warm spring air while I was
blazing my tirade against someone who doesn’t
interest
me, it was love for you that set me
afire,

and isn’t it odd? for in rooms full of
strangers my most tender feelings
writhe and
bear the fruit of screaming. Put out your hand,
isn’t there
an ashtray, suddenly, there? beside
the bed? And someone you love enters the room
and says wouldn’t
you like the eggs a little

different today?
And when they arrive they are
just plain scrambled eggs and the warm weather
is holding.

* * *

"And someone you love enters the room
and says wouldn’t
you like the eggs a little

different today?
And when they arrive they are
just plain scrambled eggs and the warm weather
is holding."

* * *
i know their names, but it still feels like a room full of strangers. it gets noisier, and i feel a little lonelier. not in a bad way i suppose, maybe not even strange. maybe because they're all the same, they are just plain scrambled eggs. 
i feel so guilty i can't even look at you. i can't even eat properly, nor can i focus on things. but how can i apologise to you over something you have no idea about?